In which we feel sorry for Alexa…

We have two Alexa devices. I find it rather pleasing. I can switch on the radio when I’m washing up, ask it to add things to my online shopping order when my phone isn’t nearby, and find out what’s going on in the news while I’m pottering about. Oh, and I can listen to my audiobooks while I’m cleaning. I bloody love an audiobook.

The boys also love Alexa. To start with, only the Big One could use her because the Little One couldn’t say her name clearly enough to engage. Cruel though it may be it was bloody hilarious to watch his scream “EXA! STOP IT! I don’t LIKE this song! Stop! Exaaaa!”

Now they can both use it. And increasingly I hide in the kitchen where “my” Alexa is, while they abuse the one in the lounge. The one in the lounge is inexplicably sticky for a voice-activated device. Lets not dwell on that. Instead, we shall consider a typical day in the life of Alexa H.

1) Alexa, what’s in the news?
2) Alexa, play Radio Two.
3) Alexa, play the poo song
4) Alexa, play the poo song again
5) Alexa, tell me a joke about bums
6) Alexa, will it rain today?
7) Alexa, tell him he smells
8) Alexa, play songs from Muppets Christmas Carol
9) Alexa, don’t play that, it’s not fucking Christmas
10) Alexa, play the Pokémon theme
11) Alexa, volume up
12) Alexa, play the Pokémon theme
13) Alexa, play the Pokémon theme
14) Alexa, which Pokémon is most powerful?
15) Alexa, volume down
16) Alexa, Mummy’s gone. Volume up.
17) Alexa, I want Hickory Dickory Dock
18) Alexa, NOT THAT ONE! THE OTHER ONE. WITH THE ELEPHANT
19) Alexa, are you a robot?
20) Alexa, if you are a robot, where is your bottom?
21) Alexa, I want Hickory Dickory Dock
22) Alexa, NO! I hate that song, Play Pikachu, I choose you
23) Alexa, play Last Christmas
24) Alexa, DON’T PLAY LAST CHRISTMAS IN FEBRUARY
25) Alexa, Ok! Play Last Christmas. Fucking hell.
26) Alexa, add gin to my Ocado order
27) Alexa, a bigger bottle.
28) Alexa, play the poo song
29) Alexa, I want sleeping bunnies
30) Alexa, play the poo song
31) Alexa, play willy willy bum bum
32) Alexa, is Michael Jackson dead?
33) Alexa, do you poo?
34) Alexa, play Radio Two for Mummy to cheer her up
35) Alexa, why does the elephant break the clock?
36) Alexa, play the Pokémon theme
37) Alexa, is Guzzlord more powerful than Meowth?
38) Alexa, he IS more powerful. He’s a GX. Muuuum, Alexa is wrong about Pokémon
39) Alexa, Play the poo song again
40) Alexa, tell me about vasectomies.

If Alexa ever gains sentience, I fully expect a hideous rampage of utter carnage, accompanied to the Pokémon theme tune. Or Last Christmas. Frankly, we’d deserve it. Poor cow.