In which we wonder what the bloody hell we are doing…

This morning I spent several minutes putting pants on a Gruffalo. The pants fitted rather well, though the tail caused some issues. Why was I doing it? I don’t honestly know. It seemed important as part of the getting-the-Little-One-dressed negotiations and sometimes it’s just easier that way.

It did make me realise, though, the number of things I find myself doing either to placate The Boys, or cheer them up, or distract them from something else. Or indeed just to retain something of the sanity I am quite sure I had until seven years ago. In the past few years, I have:

1. Spent five minutes of every Sunday night throwing sticks, stones, pinecones, snail shells and other “treasures” back into the garden following their collection over the weekend. It would take less time if I used two hands, but I refuse to put down my gin.
2. Come up with exciting fake names for new foods to convince them to try them (parsnips will be “long potatoes” forever now).
3. Discussed my favourite volcanoes while sitting on the bathroom floor while the Big One had a massive shit.
4. Put pants on my head (Spiderman ones).
5. Gone to the Drinking Shop even though I didn’t especially fancy a drink (it does happen) because The Little One cried when we said no.
6. Built a Drinking Shop in my house (see post about snow days)
7. Served an array of meals in the form of a face (nothing beats a sausage, mash and beans face – copyright: The Mothership).
8. Got my arse stuck in a slide.
9. Got my arse stuck in a swing.
10. Gone on a roundabout with a hangover and nearly been sick.
11. Asked Alexa where Pokémon come from while The Big One was out so I could be better informed than him.
12. Read Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator to the end, even though it is a bag of unmitigated wank.
13. Listened to an entire album by Little Mix
14. Cut every apple that’s been in the house in the past 3 years into exactly 15 pieces
15. Given in and let the Little One suck the lemon he was demanding, only to discover the bugger loved it and now tries to steal the lemon from my gin.
16. Put pants on a penguin named Rosie
17. Learned to accept that children like two types of cereal in one bowl at the same time EVEN THOUGH THIS IS WRONG AND EVIL AND WILL RESULT IN THE END OF WORLD.
18. Pretended, albeit ineffectually, to give a shit about Pokémon
19. Let the Big One sleep in a cardboard box for five consecutive nights because it had been deemed a pirate ship (a pirate ship with the words “Sunday Times Wine Club” on the outside. All class).
20. Delivered an acerbic and highly accurate character assassination of the Fat Controller, focusing on his ineptitude, inability to maintain even a basic sense of control over his staff, and his obviously complex sexual feelings towards his mother to a somewhat baffled two year old.

Ok, that one was for me.